The State relocates me to a foster family who lives in another town. I move to another school and another family.
The worst part about being a boy, I hate everything about it. The clothes, my short haircut, and my name. Every time someone calls me Roscoe, I want to vomit, which I do often. I want to release every vile thing that’s happened to me. To flood the world with the foulness growing in my soul. My foster parents, Benji and Catherine Wells, have no idea how to handle the frequent trips to the toilet to puke. Thus, they decide to lock the bathroom door. “From now on, ask permission before you go to the restroom. This puking thing has to stop.” A fat, demanding, obnoxious oaf, Benji gets off on ballgames, beer, cigarettes, and training everyone in the house to cower at his presence. I’ve already been the recipient of his discipline. I absentmindedly sit down on the toilet, which is forbidden since I’m a male, unaware of the fact that Benji is awake. By the time I hear him coming down the hall, I’m in midstream. The door swings open. “I’ll stand up. I’ll stand. Wait.” I reach down to pull up my blue pajama bottoms. Benji’s hairy arm knocks me to the floor. I lie on the dirty, cold floor like a beaten dog. A seed of hate and rage rumbles below the surface. I’m not sure what happens, but something pierces me deep within. My world will never be the same. I don’t care if I live or die. I jump to my feet, my fists ready to beat the everlasting hell out of the brute standing over me. “Fuck you. Stupid shithead. This is how I use the bathroom. Leave me alone. I don’t want to suck your dick anymore, and you’re not going to make me. I’m gonna tell on you.” I hit him as hard as I can in the nuts. Benji stands in front of me, stunned. My foster mom appears. “Leave Roscoe alone,” she says. I glare at them. “I will tell on both of you. You’re going to have to kill me, or I’ll tell.” ---------------------- Bright and early the next morning, a social worker arrives, intent on taking me to my next foster home. It proves to be better than the last because my foster parents ignore me. Their doing so is perfect. By the time I reach adolescence, I’m an angry young man, determined in making sure no one abuses me again. I snarl at every adult who crossed my path. Most are afraid of me. A spiteful, disrespectful male, I enjoy wearing women’s clothing. Of course, I can’t afford to buy them, so I steal what I need from every department store I enter. Dressing in silk lingerie, I love the feel of the softness pressing against my skin. I spend hours lying in the vacant lot next to the school, fantasizing about dressing in seductive clothes with my long hair flowing behind me. Thoughts of being a gorgeous woman touching my breasts, and having others touch them, are enjoyable. The daydreams always end in a powerful ejaculation. I spend most of my time daydreaming about being a woman. I want to be a woman people admire. To have them look at me and wish they could touch each curve and orifice in my body. Most of all, I want the curse that forever engorges underneath my clothes to be no more. ---------------------- By the time I’m nineteen, the urge grows stronger. I often fantasize about dressing in a woman’s business suit. A cute, short green skirt with white stockings and a low-cut white blouse hugging my large bosom, revealing the crack between my gorgeous tan breasts. I imagine walking seductively into my boss’s office at his law practice. He’d study my sexy hourglass figure. I’d walk toward him with my blonde hair tied in a bun. My boss would snatch the barrette out of my hair, causing it to spill over my shoulders like a waterfall. I’d take my clothes off and press my red-painted lips against his sweaty neck. Then, I would seduce him into having sex with me on his desk, while people waited in the lobby for their appointments. I know nothing about gender identity, just that I’m different from other males. It isn’t about dressing in women’s clothes. I want to be a woman. A strong, internal wish, I realize it isn’t because my mother dressed me in girl’s clothes. I was born this way. I might not be a female on the outside, but someday, I will be. For the time being, I’m caught somewhere in between.
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Beautiful things in life that we shouldn't miss (according to Keith):
1. Sunsets 2. Sunrise 3. A plastic bag blowing in the wind. 4. A tumble weed blowing across the prairies. 5. A drop of water about to fall from a faucet. 6. Ants working. 7. The sound of a baseball card stuck in the spokes of a bicycle. 8. Watching a loved one sleep. 9. Sleeping with your bedroom blind open when their is a full moon out. 10. The feeling you feel inside yourself when you have noticed these things instead of taking them for granted. Have a good day. --Keith We are all placed on earth for a reason, purpose, or assignment, however, you want to view it. Wherever we are at a particular time in our life, I feel is where we supposed to be in our assignment. If we are leading regular lives, that's what our assignment is, if we are rich or famous, etc. that's our assignment. If we have a Ford, that's what supposed to be. If our neighbor has a Cadillac, and we wish we had it, or we are jealous of our neighbor, that is foolish, because if it is not our assignment to have what he has at that particular time, it wouldn't work for us, because it is not our assignment. The question is, do you have enough self-confidence, enough security in yourself to fulfill your assignment, whatever it may be. If we long for more, we will be unhappy. Whatever supposed to happen will happen. People try to attain things or life status outside their assignment and they are unhappy, if you supposed to have a Cadillac or be famous, rich, whatever, it will happen. Focus on being happy with what you have not what you don't. If your assignment supposed to change, it will, so be happy and accept things for what they are at any particular time in your life.
Here is an interesting article I found in Psychology Today: Why is it so hard to find our life purpose? There certainly is no short supply of problems in this world that need solving. There is no limit on the number of people whom we could help, or inspire, or support. There is no cap on the number of passions we could pursue. Yet, our life purpose often feels just out of view. There are many reasons why you may not know your life purpose. Sometimes it's because the world's problems seem too big. Or we seem too small. Or maybe we are just exhausted from life and don't know where we'll find the energy to fight for what really matters to us. I talk a lot about how to find life purpose and meaning in my new book, Outsmart Your Smartphone: Conscious Tech Habits for Finding Happiness, Balance, and Connection IRL. So if you want to find your life purpose, here are the key steps from the book to follow. Step 1: Find out what drives you When I was a teenager I was at a party and came upon a friend of mine. Her head was cast downward, her bangs were in front of her eyes, and she was squeezing her hand into a tight fist. As I approached, I noticed something red on her hand. It was blood! I rushed over to her, grabbing her hand, demanding that she let me help her. Finally, after much prodding, she opened her hand. Laying in her palm was a piece of glass, glass that she had been squeezing as hard as she possibly could. It was then I realized that she was intentionally making her hand bleed. She was so unhappy that she squeezed that piece of glass until blood was dripping on the floor. I didn’t know it at the time, but this moment was the first in a series of moments that would show me my life's purpose. In the years that followed, I saw the scars of self-burning, the glazed-over eyes that come with extensive drug use, and the skin that hangs off a body that is being intentionally starved. I witnessed the depths of depression and the heights of mania, suicide attempts and near overdoses. It turns out that a person can only see so much pain before becoming driven to stop it. Or at least that's what happened to me. So one way to find your purpose is to ask yourself: What pain or injustice or unhappiness have you witnessed that you just can't live with? Is there anything that touches you so deeply that it drives you? Often, a powerful purpose can come from powerful pain. Step 2: Find out what energizes you It was a sunny but cool spring morning. I had just started my shift at the addiction rehab center where I worked. As usual, I went to the backyard to make sure none of the teenagers were smoking on the back roof. One of them was, so I told him go back inside. He spent the next eight hours cussing at me, right up until the moment my shift ended. This was the day I learned that your can burn out your life purpose if you pursue it in the wrong ways — ways that deplete rather than energize you. It is not enough to know the problem you want to solve, you have to think carefully about the way that you want to solve it. So to find your life purpose, ask yourself: What energizes you? Step 3: Find out what you are willing to sacrifice for. Feeling deflated and defeated after working at the addiction rehab center, I paused to ask myself what I really wanted to do. I don't know about you, but often I think I want to do something, but I don't end up following through or putting in the work required to succeed — a sign that whatever it was, it wasn't really important enough to me to sacrifice for. This time was different, though. I decided I wanted to go to graduate school to study emotion and mental health to figure out how, exactly, to solve the mental health issues I saw all around me. This time, I listened to GRE words on my iPod during my lunch break at work. I volunteered in a research lab on my days off. I studied and wrote and learned until I passed out from exhaustion, while preparing my graduate school applications. This willingness to sacrifice didn't end when I got into graduate school. I worked relentlessly to the point of burnout. Now, I'm not recommending that you sacrifice to the point of burnout. All I'm saying is that when you find something that you are willing to sacrifice a lot for, you know that you've found your purpose. So ask yourself: What are you willing to sacrifice for? Step 4: Find out who you want to help. I have taught hundreds of students across four different universities, developed well-being-boosting products, and helped organizations create programs and positive technologies that have reached more than a million people worldwide. But perhaps the biggest impact I had was when I mentored a student my first year in graduate school. Always eager to learn, she'd smile big, excited about each new project and responsibility. At the end of our time working together, she became the first person in her family to graduate college. Even though most Psychology Ph.D.s help students in universities, help customers or employees in companies, or help clients as therapists, I feel most in line with my life purpose when I support the change-makers: the people who will make this world a happier, healthier, better place. In fact, most of my work now focuses on doing just this: consulting with entrepreneurs and organizations to help them build products that increase happiness. To find your life purpose, ask yourself: Who do you want to help? There are many ways to chip away at the same problem, and it's up to you to find out who you want to help. By figuring out the specific person or people you want to help, you can more easily find your purpose. Step 5: Find out how you want to help. When I first started working with entrepreneurs, I helped in any way I could. I conducted research, ran statistics, and created surveys. This is what I knew and was good at, but it didn't energize me (remember Step 2). As I acquired more and more clients with different needs, I found a real passion for product development and content creation. Yup! I like to write and like to create. I'm even sitting here on a Saturday afternoon writing this article... because I feel like it. Ask yourself: What do you love to do? And how do you apply this passion to your purpose? To find your purpose, you need to figure out how you can best use your passions and skills to achieve your unique goals and solve your unique problems. Taking the steps to find your life purpose Finding your life purpose is a life-long journey. It's okay to take it one step at a time. It's normal to pause and reevaluate regularly. And it's okay to feel overwhelmed. Nothing worth doing is easy, and this will not always be easy. You will encounter frustrations and challenges along the way. Some days, you'll throw your hands up in the air in defeat. But then you'll remember Step 1. You're driven to solve this problem, and for some reason, you won't let yourself give up. Tchiki Davis, Ph.D. I have been writing since I was about fifteen years old. I will be fifty-one next month. I have written five novels and a book of poetry. I had two novels under a publishing company for years, but I decided to end my relationship with them. I have since been picked up by another company and my new novels will be published shortly. It has been a long road. It was long waiting for novels to publish with my old company. Leaving that company and finding another, and now waiting for my other novels to publish has been a lengthy process of years. When I talk to writers or musicians or even my client's at my real job, I like to tell them a story I read about Sylvester Stallone.
In the early seventies when he wrote the story Rocky, he tried to sell the story for years and studios wanted it, but they didn't want him to be the star. He wanted to be the star so he refused to sell it and he kept looking for a company who would take the movie script and accept him as being the star, "Rocky." He basically gave up everything and even had his utilities cut off, but still, he refused to sell the movie without himself as the star. He never gave up. Finally, Universal Studios bought his movie with him being Rocky. The rest is history. "Never give up".-- Keith |
AuthorKeith Kelly currently lives in Rio Rancho New Mexico. Archives
October 2020
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