From the moment two people meet, they're sizing each other up, looking for signs of qualities like honesty, intelligence, and altruism.
Whether it's a date or a job interview, the small stuff matters - from the firmness of your handshake to how often you check your phone. We checked out the Quora thread "What are the really small things that tell a lot about a person's psychology and personality?" and the latest scientific research, and highlighted some of the most common behaviors people use to judge you. 1. Your handshake. Several Quora users admitted that they judge people based on their handshake. "Strong handshakes usually reflect a strong and confident character, whereas weak handshakes usually indicate a lack of confidence and are almost always a characteristic of people who would look for an easy way to do things," writes Julian Parge. Research backs up the idea that your handshake can reveal certain aspects of your personality. One study found that people with firm handshakes were more likely to be extroverted and emotionally expressive and less likely to be shy and neurotic. 2. Your punctuality. Late for a very important date? The person who's waiting may be forming a negative impression of your personality. "A proactive person will be there on time, because he is self-motivated, mentally organized, and values time whereas a procrastinator will be running here and there at the last hour," says Humaira Siddiqui. According to science, those who are chronically late aren't necessarily inconsiderate people - but they're probably more laid-back, "Type B" individuals. 3. Your handwriting. Whether you're writing a to-do list or a love note, your handwriting can say a lot about you. Ramesh Nagaraj believes that "people who put a lot of pressure on pen and paper to write something are usually stubborn in attitude. They have a lot of confidence." Meanwhile, professional graphologist Kathi McKnight says that large letters indicate that you're people-oriented, while small letters suggest you're introverted. Letters that slant to the right can mean you're friendly and sentimental, those that don't slant at all might mean you're pragmatic, and letters that slant to the left suggest you're introspective. 4. Your favorite color. Shivani Jha has a theory on what your color of choice reveals about your personality. For example, if your favorite color is red, she assumes you desire physical fulfillment. If your favorite color is yellow, she thinks you need logical order and value individuality. Industrial psychologist Bernardo Tirado breaks it down slightly differently. Writing in Psychology Today, Tirado says that red lovers are tenacious and determined, while yellow lovers enjoy learning and find happiness easily. 5. Your taste in music.Citing a 2003 study on the topic, Quora user Humaira Siddiqui says that she judges people based on the type of music they listen to. The study found that people who listen to "reflective and complex" music tend to be open to new experiences and politically liberal. Those who listen to "upbeat and conventional" jams are more likely to be extroverted and athletic. 6. Your eye contact. Munje says that a limp handshake and a lack of steady eye contact "shows lack of self-control, required drive to follow through, and a weak will." Alternatively, psychologist Adrian Furnham, PhD, writes in Psychology Today that extroverts tend to look more often and for longer at their conversation partners than introverts do. And in general, people who look at their partners more often are more confident and socially dominant. 7. Your choice of pet. People may make inferences about you based on your pet. For instance, Joe Waldron believes that people who do not like cats have control issues, and he warns against dating women who have big dogs, believing that they are not interested in long-term relationships. Meanwhile, one study found that people who prefer dogs are generally more energetic and outgoing, while those who prefer cats tend to be more introverted and sensitive. The same study also found that cat people tend to be more intelligent. 8. How you ask a question. Even if someone doesn't say anything about themselves in conversation, you can still learn about their personality. As Khaliana Schmitz says: "When meeting someone for the first time ... see how long it takes for them to ask you a question in return. You'd be surprised how much this reveals in terms of a person being a 'giver' or a 'taker.' It will help you distinguish between 'people who like you' and 'people who like what you can provide them.'" 9. Whether you bite your nails. Sushrut Munje has strong views on people with bitten nails, saying that it's a sign that "the person eats away at himself." Meanwhile, research suggests that those who bite their nails - or pull their hair or pick their skin - tend to be perfectionists, unable to fully relax. © Mike Nudelman/Business Insider
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Is it good to argue in relationships? I feel that it is, but there are fair ways to argue. There is not any relationship on earth where people do not argue. It will happen, and their is no way around it. The best thing to do is learn how to argue fairly. There is a correct way.
1. Of course, no violence. 2. Take turns talking and listening. 3. Stick to the subject at hand, don't bring up past arguments or things your partner did five years ago for example. 4. Do not belittle your partner. 5. Try to talk in calm voice. 6. Do not blame, own up to your own mistakes and admit it if you are wrong. 7. Do not talk about or name call your partner's family members. Most relationships fail due to the lack of communication. Learn to communicate. Learn to argue fairly, there is a successful way. Remember, the goal isn't to win an argument with your partner, it is to compromise with them.- Keith In my other career, my real job, I am a Lisc. Alcohol and Drug Abuse counselor. I have been practicing for 22 years. I have worked with famous people, millionaires, convicts, murderers, child molesters, rapist, you name it. The one common factor with all of them are resentments. They always have them. I think most of us do, whether we are addicts or not. Resentments will lead to relapse for an addict, and anger or the "poor me syndrome," for the rest of us. Resentments will tear a soul apart and eat away at us piece by piece. The only way to have peace in our lives is to let go of these resentments. More times than not, the people we resent have no clue we resent them, meanwhile they go on with their lives and we are miserable. Life is to short to hold onto resentments, the sooner we let them go , the sooner we will have true inner peace.
“What can we do to help overcome resentments?” There is an old Zen story about two monks who meet up with a woman in their travels, and one of the monks helps her across a river, even though they are not supposed to touch females. Later that night, one of the two monks suddenly bursts into anger at the other one, exclaiming that he should not have carried the woman across the river. The monk replied: “Perhaps I shouldn’t have….but you are still carrying her.” This is resentment: hanging onto anger. You can imagine that the monk was astonished by his friend who had carried the woman, and he stewed about it all day long. Resentment is self-torture. Perhaps the anger is justified, or perhaps it is not–it really makes no difference. The mental torment of carrying it with you all day is unnecessary. Recovery literature emphasizes that resentment “is the number one offender.” It destroys more alcoholics than anything else, even if they don’t happen to pick up a drink over it. They will still be miserable if they are carrying anger around with them. It is one thing to say that we need to let go of our anger, but doing so in practice is another thing entirely. Anger is inevitable The goal is not to live a life without encountering any anger. This is simply not realistic. There are going to be times when we get upset, and there will be plenty of times when this anger is directed towards other people–including those that we are close to. Accept the fact that you will have anger to deal with. Raise your awareness The first step in dealing with resentments is to raise your awareness level high enough so that you are consciously aware of the anger. Many people have become accustomed to being angry, and they don’t necessarily realize that they are harboring resentments towards others. These people will stay at a disadvantage until they can raise themselves up to a level of self-awareness that allows them to see what they are doing to themselves. You have to be aware of your anger before you can do anything to remedy it. You can read more about deliberately raising your level of awareness right here. Cool off before you communicate - Approved Treatment Center - about-treatment Once you are living with this increased level of awareness, you’ll probably notice rather quickly when your anger flares up. If you are in a confrontation with another person when this happens, this might not be the best time to deal with the anger. You might want to walk away from the situation so that you can cool down a bit and give yourself some time to process things. The idea behind all this is that you are going to go back to this person that you are angry with and talk it out. Before you can do that, though, you need to give yourself (and probably the other person as well) some time to calm down. One way to do this is to meditate. Identify the emotions beneath the anger Before you can talk it out, you need to dismantle the anger you’re feeling. Anger is a secondary emotion–it never arises by itself. It is masking another emotion beneath it–namely fear or hurt. You need to identify which emotion the anger is covering up. If it is fear, identify exactly why something scared or threatened you. When you go back to talk about it, you’re going to tell the other person exactly what they said or did that either hurt or scared you. Examples: “I felt hurt when you said that I should lose some weight.” “I felt scared when you told me that you were leaving town for six months.” Do not confuse feelings with your opinions Notice that there is a difference between feelings and your opinions. Make sure you are using feelings, such as sad or mad or glad or scared. If you say something like “I feel like you just …..” then that is NOT a feeling. You are giving an opinion and probably furthering a negative argument at that point. Make sure that you are communicating real feelings–especially the ones that caused the anger in the first place. Communicating those underlying feelings to the person who caused them is the key to overcoming resentment. Forgiveness: A key to overcoming resentments There are times when we have been genuinely wronged through no fault of our own and we are clearly a victim. In cases like this, it is tempting to say that our resentment is justified. However, there is no place for a “justified” resentment in an alcoholic’s life, because it will consume them just as much as an “unjustified” resentment. The anger is poisonous either way. If we were truly a victim, then we need to practice forgiveness. True forgiveness will allow us to let go of the anger and move on with our lives. Forgiveness grants us a new freedom. Have a good Wednesday.---Keith
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AuthorKeith Kelly currently lives in Rio Rancho New Mexico. Archives
October 2020
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